Logical Replacement Windows: what on Earth should I choose?

Hi, I’m Kirk Spockley CEO and founder of Logical Replacement Windows. The answer was so simple; just listen to my story. 

After college I set about researching how I could benefit man-kind and despite holding a masters degree in engineering, a doctorate in science and sociology, and various Boy Scout merit badges, I felt I was still in with a chance.

 I was frustrated, not the least by the fact that the only thing I had come up with was a micro device that could be incorporated into the manufacture of replacement windows, making them more user friendly. Essentially a recording that you could program to say "Ahh " on a nice warm day when you opened the window, and " Brr" when it was cold. That kind of thing. Little did I realize what was about to happen.

It was then that I was visited by aliens. Beings from another world. They explained to me how all things are part of the fabric of the universe, and that a thought-process was imaginary, especially in my case. They explained that I would be the conduit for a technology which they would share with the human race to alleviate all suffering on this planet for ever and that I should name the starting place where these winds of change would most likely to spread the quickest to the people of the world. 

 Naturally I suggested replacement windows. They agreed it was the best idea, as they had done the same thing on their planet. In no time at all the windows would actually reason with you. And not just when you swore at them because they were stiff or wouldn't open properly. 

No. these windows displayed objectivity. Windows that argued back, debated, and delved into your psyche. After a while I got them to conduct discussions on Jean-Paul Satre, Dostoyevski, and criticize foreign policy towards Uzbekistan. Imagine; the whole world would never be lonely again, and the profit from sale of these amazing products would eliminate poverty. 

I quickly framed my business plan; and brought the product to market to the general public: it was a revelation. As for the aliens, they said their work was done. They said their goodbyes and got back into their craft which they had left parked in the Nevada desert. Due to their need for anonymity they had fashioned it to resemble a huge disk hovering effortlessly in the sky with flashing lights and laser beams, although in its original form it more closely resembled a Ford Escort.

Everything was going fine for the first three weeks, sales had been brisk and investors had been flocking to buy a piece of the action. It was then that the first problems began to show them selves. You see the aliens had used my brain as a model for the windows. Therefore the logic that all these windows were using was based on my own personal mental ability. The windows were not even coming close to providing the counterpoint I expected. In fact our windows were being out-thought by the family parrot. The project was flawed, and when people started calling to complain I thought it was the high cost of the Cyber-Sash line, but actually I was horribly wrong.

Not only did the Cyber-sash units think that iambic pentameter was about taking up too many parking spaces, they were also beginning to insist they receive professional help from home owners. The windows were going crackers, and they were demanding professional counseling, or even doctors. Let me tell you there are just not that many psychiatrists in the world, let alone that many who are experienced at dealing with pre-built luxury home construction parts. As you can see our show rooms are becoming dilapidated.

So this is by way of a request. If anyone has seen a yellow Ford Escort being driven by what appears to be large marshmallows with hats on, please contact me at kirk@yellowbunny.com as the attempt to alleviate human suffering hangs in the balance.

Thankyou for allowing me onto your homes.

Kirk Spockley, 

(the man who put homo back in homosapiensowners.)