by Mick Ward, Rogue YBDC Editorial Correspondent, and pudding puller. ( "You try pushing it", he says)
Me, My Rubbish, and the Purple Sea of Andromeda.
Not for the first time, in a very personal moment,
whilst retrieving the last garbage bag from its little box, I realized that my
next action should interfere with the space time continuum. But I noticed
nothing. Then everything made more sense. The interference was insidious. It
wasn't that I wasn't interfering, it was that the difference I was making was
across the other side of the universe, and you can't see that from Worcester.
A lot more things began making more sense. Why those scientists say there's a whole in the sky. Why after two hundred years of burning down the worlds forests and filling the sky with coal dust, pollution more of an issue now half the world has unleaded fuel, or they're running on natural gas. Now I know that a scholar is an honorable person who would never stoop to report something that wasn't strictly true just to remain employed. That would be as bad as a weapons inspector from, say, New Zealand, telling the world that a certain middle east dictator had WMDs just to make a few bob on the talk shows in America, No-one would be that selfish.
So all this lack of evidence of what "scientists", never named to protect their professional anonymity, is purely an indictment of our lack of faith in their omnipotent judgment. After all they are professionals, like lawyers, and as such have sworn to uphold the fair and square traditions of their calling, and could not deceive even if they were tempted so to do.
Putting the box that the garbage bags had come in actually inside the bag indeed causes a rift in the fabric of the universe. This small fissure, located off the coast of some purple molten sea on a small gaseous planet near the Andromeda star cluster, is almost imperceptible widening. We may not see the results of this catastrophe in the making, but it is up to us to protect our great grandchildren and tell the truth.
After all we can't stand around like a bunch of pedophile priests ranting trust me, for I know the Lord and he has told me to tell you that can you? We must have faith.
Mick Ward
Science and Astrology Co-respondent
with contributions from Bob Viveur, of Nighty News.